As The Fog Rolls Back, Will You Choose To See The Beauty?

Sun has risen but you can't tell through the fog and yet there is still light. It rounds out the shadows and pulls figures out 3-D. It's quiet and the fog is heavy and thick in the air.

 Another morning to pull back the covers and rise to start a new day. Yesterday is gone with all it's laughter,and emotional outbursts. Heavy with apologies, hugs and kisses. Laced with memories all tied up, waiting to be untied again someday.

 And I grab and hold on tight to this very moment while I'm alone with Him. I ask him to give me GRACE for the moments I try so hard to push away and yet they still find a crack to creep on in through . I ask Him to fill my day with wonder  as I take the time to delight in their eyes and watch them live and breathe another day. I'm thankful He chose to bring the morning in this way, all sleepy eyed and slow. I watch as He rolls the fog back like a blanket to reveal the beauty He so graciously paints everyday. And I'm in awe as I remember this life and all that it holds...........


 When I slip up and act like a child, forgive me. When I'm selfish and begin to believe it's all about me, forgive me and show me the way. And like the heavy fog rolls back to reveal the day wont you please reveal the path I should be taking instead of the path I'm tempted to take?......

This Mama Journey isn't easy but it's filled with Joy's and triumphs even more than the struggles we so often find our selves swallowed up in. And it's in talking to Him and trusting Him that you feel the warmth of the Son  burn away the heaviness of the day as He is refining me........you?

I can tell you that these moments, the really hard, heavy moments of being their Mama they don't last near as long as it feels like when your in the midst of it all. I can tell you your gonna look back and wonder what all the fussing was about. I can tell you because I'm looking into the eyes of a girl and a boy who are now 14 and 16. and I've had my days all turned up side down and many days I still struggle, but as I watch them grow into young adults I sit back in amazement and remember how God had a hand in it all. I've had so many people tell me that "the terrible twos are dreadful" and to be honest I really enjoyed that time. I'm really enjoying this time. And they would say "if you think that's bad wait til the teenage years they are even worse." but I gotta tell you I'm really enjoying them!

It all depends on how you want to see it. You have a choice.....You can see it all thick and heavy like the fog covering all that is beautiful or you can see the Son slowly bringing out the beauty....Yes it's hard work! Nothing that's worth the price of a soul is easy.

And you were called to be their MAMA there is no higher calling. There is no job harder than the shaping of little souls....Oh, but how priceless are the moments all wrapped up in ribbon waiting to be untied someday......

Loving Conviction

When the mundane tends to fill your days and the laundry buries your joy, there is always a way out. When lazy bones take over and the "why should I bother?" moments settle in, don't forget to look out and look up.

Because so soon does the full moon rise and another day is done. Your going to wonder where it went.....Every precious moment. Yes,  even the teary eyed, scream all day, mess after mess moments....I promise, you will want to find your Joy during these struggles.

It isn't any joy that a night out with the girls can fix, or a shopping spree in an afternoon can cure. Those things, they quickly fade and leave you burning and wanting all the wrong things more. Wanting to leave your home and your babies more.......This Joy can only be found in Him. If you ask, He will show you how to keep your joy in the midst of your "day after day" routine. When you think what you do and who you are doesn't really matter He's there to prove you wrong.........And you will find that you will want more of Him and His unconditional Love that illuminates your soul.

Right now your most important roles are being a devoted, supportive wife to your husband and a loving Mama to your children. There is no higher calling. For you were called to support your man and mold little souls. No one else can fill your shoes.....no one else should!

Now I'm not saying you shouldn't have your girlfriend time. What I am saying is that you shouldn't let it consume you. Always thinking when the next escape can be planned. It will soon rob you of who you were called to be and will surely keep from your priorities.

There is Joy in becoming the daughter God wants you to strive to be. There is true intimacy with the very word of life. The more you search, the more you reach out, the more He gives back and the more you will understand your roles as a wife and a Mama. And the more you will find comfort in knowing who God has called you to be. All the more, you will keep your JOY!

And if you struggle with wanting more "me time", may I make a suggestion?  Get involved in your church. Find women your age who are going through the same struggles. You may even want to find an older woman to mentor you. God wants us to meet together, to spur one another on in goodness and love. Take advantage of women's bible studies and mother, daughter teas. Most of the time they will have child care so you can break away for that hour or two but, still have your babies close by. Ask what is available for the Mama's of the church. You may be pleasantly surprised.

It's important to be with the flock when things seem like they are falling apart around you.....And to know your not the only one with the same feelings or struggles. That there are women who have been there and done that.

I love the group of women that God has chosen to surround me with through out the years. And I'm so very thankful for the ones who have chosen to stay by my side.

 And I remember as a young Mama how thankful I was for the women who took me by the hand, gave me a hug and loved me through those every day mundane,screaming, messy moments. (And there are still moments I struggle at trying to be their Mama.)  But what really helped me the most is when they would quote God's Scripture to me.......Loving Conviction will get me every time!

Grace And A Long Way To Go

As He hung there on the cross, the crowds mocking Him, He speaks 10 little words that have more power than tens of hundreds of words. And as I read them again and again it hits hard and pierces deep into my soul.....

I've read it before, I've heard it over and over.  I'm always amazed when He meets me right where I am. Right here in the midst of a troubled heart and actions done all wrong.

"Father forgive them for they know not what they do." Luke 23:34

Forgiveness for things done unaware.....And He had it down to a perfection. To the point where He could forgive the very men putting Him to death. The very crowd mocking Him.

And me sitting here in the comfort of my home thinking one should know better. Thinking one knows what he's doing by his actions too offensive.......

Then my man comes to me and says what I should already know...."But Kimmy, he wasn't brought up the way you and I were. How is he to know what is expected of him?"  I can be stubborn....I was born with a stubborn streak. But I've learned that in the midst of my streaks that I can still  have an open heart, an open mind. When my man thinks I'm not listening....I really am. I tell him I don't believe it. One always knows right from wrong......Don't they?

And right now I'm contemplating my own harsh actions. My very own unforgiving feelings and I ask the Lord to forgive me......Because I know what I've been doing and I did it anyway..........

That's the  most amazing thing about His grace.....He forgives those that are unaware of their actions just the same as He forgives the ones well aware of what they are doing.

Father, I now know it has been my heart that needed molding. It was my heart that needed opening. This adventure turned all wrong has turned out all RIGHT for your GLORY.....And I pray I never feel that I have arrived to the point where I don't have any more room to grow....To learn....To be stretched and molded. And I'm thankful for your unending GRACE. And just when I thought I have completely comprehended what GRACE is, what it means, what it does, I find I have a long way to go......

My Walk Is Not Your Walk

Your life is  unique. Created and planned out according to His will. And what others say you should be, may not be what He wants you to be. For you are apart of His plan, not theirs.

I've seen people of all walks of life and have been tempted to judge and criticize and to be honest I have judged and put them under a microscope......And at times I believe I have all the answers when in reality I have no clue.

My walk is not your walk. I believe I have been called to be a stay at home Mama to 5 precious beings. To homeschool and serve my family to the best of my ability. To love and adore the man that God has given me. And I will not force my walk on any one but, I'm here to give advice and to let you know what has worked for us. And please know you are free to pick and choose what advice you believe to be the best for you.....And I understand that you may not agree with me at all, but I'm good with that. I understand. I'm not the one you should be turning to anyway......I just want you to know I am here for you and this is my walk that God has chosen for me.

I'm a believer that children are a true blessing from our almighty God and they should be cherished and loved and not looked upon as a chore or something that has gotten in your way and complicated your life.  I believe if you ask God to give you a heart for children and you are faithful to Him, He will go above and beyond your expectations.

My walk is not your walk. But I believe that if you have made the decision to have children and God has chosen to graciously bless you with children, then you are called to give it your all. Because those precious souls need nurturing, attention, guidance and care. They were placed in your hands not someone else's. Which means SACRIFICE on your part.

I am most passionate about the God who sent His one and only sacrifice......I believe He is the one that ultimately gives my family and I GRACE everyday. I believe the closer your walk with Him the more you will hear His plan for you and how quickly your plans will fade away.

In my walk with God I have heard Him speak to me conveying His plan in only ways that He can. I have learned that Judging someone else's life and comparing their walk with yours could be devastating to you, to them. He has a purpose in the walk He has chosen to give you. The only way you will find His path for you is to dig deep into His living word. Everything you need to know about living this life is right there written in black and red. You have questions? Do you want to know what His plan is for you? Read His love letter and BE STILL AND KNOW HE IS GOD......

When I'd Given Up, Shut The Door And All But, Said Goodbye.....

When I'd given up, shut the door and all but said goodbye......My little man reminds me how precious this life. How never giving up on any one should be a priority.

I've always been quick to slam the door when one has proven my patience short. And although I can say that I have tried. Over and over again I have tried to see things new. To forgive and move on. But when sin is constant. When it's never ending and there is not one sorry, not one thank you, I tend to shut down and give up....

But not my little man. He sees a lost soul and his heart literally aches and bleeds for this soul. No matter how hard it is to continue giving grace he still pushes forward and moves on as if he is on a mission. And yesterday I was put to shame....

Beginning announcements, prayer request and praises at our homeschool co-op yesterday and my little man raises his hand. "I want to pray for Daniel. Every night before I say my prayers I ask Daniel to come pray with me. And every night he sighs heavy not really wanting to, but doing it to keep me happy." And if I could of scooped my little man up in my arms I would of.....but no one would of understood why.....They don't know our plight.

You see we've been on this journey my family and I, We've taken one in from a far away land. And here in our home where two cultures literally collide we all have been put to the test. And I must say I've failed miserably.....

Hosting people in my home, that's what I do. To feed people and make them happy....that's what I love to do! And at some point what I love to do has turned into a chore. I hate that it has turned out this way. But I have to be honest it's not at all what I had expected. I expected laughter and wonder. Learning and growing. Gaining a good friend.........

I believe my expectations were set way too high. And that's my fault.

I never knew little man was praying with him. I never knew in the whole 3 months he has been here....until yesterday. And this is where I have no words. I humbly admit my eight year old son is wiser than I. His heart is larger than mine. I know better, I should know better.

And although our worlds are different, we still are created by one maker. A maker that sent Grace and Mercy, that teaches Forgiveness and Peace.

What ever you do with your hands do it with all your might. Serve others as though you were serving unto the Lord.  All this, floating above my head. I've often asked God what His purpose was, what I was suppose to be learning? I believe I have been shown through the words and actions of my little man yesterday.

Where you see bitterness and anger, one with out hope, He sees a lost soul. When you have given up, He never does and neither should you. When you think you were the one to give something, to teach them something and you were actually the one who needed to learn and receive. Serve with JOY because you have a JOY like no other. You don't serve to get thank you's or admiration, a "that a girl" or a pat on the back. You serve because of the love and the grace that was given you. You do it for Him. Because He did it all for you.

We have 8 days left....At this point I feel that all I can do is pray. I should of been praying all along. Somethings just go way beyond what we can handle, but should we really even handle anything by ourselves?  My little man knew exactly what to do when nothing else seem to work..........He knew to fall to his knees and pray! And he started right from the very beginning.

Why We Homeschool

Eleven years ago I believe My man and I made  one of the best decisions that directly affected our children's lives in a very positive way. Our decision to Homeschool was one I never had to hem and haw over. I knew with out a doubt I/we would find a way to make it work! Beside the fact that I could not bare to be away from my children for that long. And to this day I still feel the same way! I love to have them here with me!

And through the years I have been asked a myriad of questions along with the intentional remarks from curious onlookers. I felt like we were under a microscope by family and friends alike waiting to see if we would succeed or ultimately fail. The decisions on curriculum would make my head spin and the fear of wondering if I were doing any of this right would be overwhelming at times. I've been on my knees in tears fearing that I've damaged their future. I've been through times where I thought my child would never read and be delighted when I had an early reader. I've discovered I have two that have to learn while they are moving and can focus better when there is some kind of noise in the background. My oldest needs complete quiet, while my Butterfly girl does well in either scenario.

I've had days where I thought they would never end and days when I felt like I was a super Mama! We've laughed at the days that got turned upside down and have quickly left them behind. And when I thought they weren't learning a thing and I was wasting my time, they would come around and show me I was wrong! what I used to stress over yesterday does not faze me today. I've learned the ultimate NO NO! Never compare your child with another, albeit your own or someone else's. I've learned it's okay if they learn at their own pace. It's actually better!

The reasons we Homeschool are many, but the the most important is the one that gives them a good solid foundation. Christ is  the center of how we live. The morals and values that they are being taught here at home are the ones I believe they will not be taught in a public school setting. I have seen the village and I do not want them raising my children! My children are not easily swayed by other children who have different objectives in life. I feel confident and secure in their decisions when they are out away from home. I have been told by many that they are the most well grounded, polite, respectful, socially delightful children they have met in a long time! I have been told that my children are some of the hardest workers (even surpassing some adults) that they have ever seen.

It may sound like I am bragging and maybe I am just a little bit. But I am most boastful in my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ! For they would not be who they are now if it weren't for Him!

 I am not saying that a public school child can not be the same well grounded homeschool child. And I agree that there are homeschooled children that do not have the same morals as we do. But we do not want to take the chance in them being surrounded by other children who may have a very negative impact on our kids. God gave them to me to care for, nurture and to teach and I take my job very seriously!

If you asked me right now, Have I ever regretted my decision to Homeschool? My answer would be with out a doubt ABSOLUTELY NOT!

I know that some of you who may be reading this will feel that I am attacking you for your decision to send your kids to public or private school. I want to make it clear that I am not judging anyone for their decision as a family. All I know is that this is what works for us. I've seen too many good things come from keeping my kids at home with me every day! The proof is in the pudding. 

I am thankful and truly blessed to be their Mama. I embrace this full time job that God has given me and I wouldn't change a thing!

Winds of Change

I've seen the winds of change blow in and just like a burst of cool air that whips up and takes you by surprise, I am surprised......

I find that even when change is expected, after waiting so long you tend to bury it. Stuff it down. Place it way in the far corners of your mind where it's not thought of. Until that burst of cold air blows in and snaps you off balance.

And this change, it's not about me.....not all the time. It's those around me growing and learning, being stretched and molded. Breaking the shell of their youth and bursting forth into young women and strong men. I stand back with my man, I hold his hand, caress his cheek and have often whispered "I'm so proud of our kids." I love to watch them grow and blossom into faithful, loving servants of Christ.

And does this Mama have the right to boast?

I've watched the change blow in on a blond curly headed little boy, who is now quite the strong, polite, thoughtful gentleman. Always helping. Never saying no. He gets that from his Daddy. And he's way beyond his years. A vintage soul encased in a young man's vessel. still playful, but more in private now. I am in awe of what God is doing in and through him!

I've watched the wind of change blow across my Sunshine's face. From this once spunky, vibrant, determined little two year old, to this beautiful giving young lady. Her heart is in the right place as she serves with a smile. And the Son follows her even on a cloudy day, beams of light are always shining on her face. Still has that deep giggly belly laughter. And there are days where I swear she is wiser than I.........

I have been blown away. Surprised that the wind of change  blew in so fast. And last night they both walk in the door, they are home from church. Him driving his own truck that he worked so hard for.....And her sitting right beside him, trying not to be a distraction while he keeps his eyes on the road. and I smile wide when I hear the sound of all four wheels hit the cracks of pavement in our drive way..

I've trained myself to shut my mind off when he's out there driving......And when the wind blows him in I am thankful......

I am thankful for A man who leads the way in this Christ centered home. I am thankful for the 5 growing blessings we have the  privilege of raising and watching them grow. I am thankful for this life and all who bless me by just being a part of it........

And as I embrace the winds to come, I do so with a grateful heart no matter how harsh the wind, He is the ROCK that I cling to......

"And When You Have Returned To Me...."

I let it sink in....I take it and I dwell upon it. The one thing that was said out of the many last night.....

We talked about turning away, our faith being tested, our impurities being sifted. It hit me hard as if it were meant for just me.

"And when you have returned to me, strengthen your brethren." Luke 22:32

I remember the day I returned, the day I sifted what was holding me back from truly becoming His messenger. And there are many in my life that I know need to be sifted. Many that I know need encouragement and strength to get past today. Many with stone cold hearts. These are not just strangers, but Loved ones and friends from the past on in to the here and now.......

And I plead with Him, beg Him, if there is a way.....Let me find it. So you can reach their hearts and turn them back. I ask if it's me you want to use, then use me. I shouldn't know this many that are so close to me and yet so far away.

And I pray because that's the only thing left to do. Some have said that we should keep the Bible and all that goes with it to ourselves. And I find to my surprise that the ones I thought could be reached are the very ones with the hardest of hearts.........

My soul aches to the point where I fear there is no hope....Because what they feel is that I have lost my mind, I'm not thinking too clearly, or that I have gone religious and left the sane to be with the insane......

But my God is bigger than all of that!  And there is always HOPE with Him! And there would of been a time when it would of bothered me what they thought.......Now I'm at a place where I fear for their souls.

I must say this LOVE, this GIFT is not religion, It's LIFE.

This LOVE does not keep you in bondage. It doesn't tie you down. It makes you new and sets you free. It forgets and forgives your past. It gives JOY even through your struggles. It fills your heart with a LOVE you have never known and helps you to love unselfishly. It builds your marriage, strengthens your children, makes strong friendships and proves to be FAITHFUL all the time!

There is only one way to HEAVEN....I've said it before and I'll say it again. It's not something you earn, you don't have to work for it. It's not something you buy. There aren't many roads that lead to life. There is only ONE.......

I am the way , the truth, the life. No one comes to Father except through me. John 14:6

I have been where you are.....I've turned away. I've walked among the dead, and I know how it feels. Life doesn't have to feel this hopeless. It doesn't have to be this bitter. There doesn't have to be this hatred and anger......Life can be so much better when you choose to walk among the living...

All you have to do is ask, You ask the God/Man to move out all the junk in your heart and if He would be so kind to take up residence there. Then get His living word and grab a friend, one that's breathed in life and have them help you with it's passages.  I promise you, you will never regret it! And you will never be the same. Take it from one who has turned away and has come back to strengthen you, my brethren!

You Haven't Lost Me

When your not recognized for being who you were, it's an amazing feeling.......

I got a call from a loved one the other day and as we were talking about our kids and how life just seems to barrel out of control. I jokingly say something that reminded her of who I used to be.... She breaks mid stream and says, "There's  the Kimmy I used to know and love!"

And she didn't know that her words hit me hard at first but, after I thought about it I just let them slide right down my sleeve.

I smile wide because what she doesn't understand is that she just inadvertently gave me a compliment. For all these years she thinks she has lost me. And I don't mind that she can't see me. What I love is that she sees Christ in me........

I look back and I've come so far from where He found me that sometimes even my loved ones don't recognize me. I'm good with that. And lately He has been showing me moments like these to tell me, to show me just how far He has brought me. And His GRACE abounds and I am ever more AMAZED!

 You really don't want the old me....the old me didn't care about anything but herself. Her heart was hard and her soul was bitter. She didn't know how to love unselfishly......

I want my love ones to know I'm here, you haven't lost me. It's just that I'm letting His light shine so bright you can't see me. It's not about who I used to be....It's about what He has done for me........

What He can do for YOU........

Under The Direct Light Of The Son

Last night I was reminded how far I had cast my past.......To have that feeling of letting go and knowing with out a doubt I NEVER want to go back! Because what I've done and who I've been may have helped create and strengthen the woman I am today but, those things will NEVER define who I am in Christ.......And it feels good to be here under the direct light of the Son.

And as I watch women struggle with the demons of their past and the ones that are still stirring up the present, I want to give them hope. They too, can get to that point. The point of letting it all go and giving it to God. All the ugly, dark burdens that cling to their vessel and take up space in their God given mind. Because God can deal with your past a whole lot better than we can!

When I think of GRACE I think of a warm blanket that covers my soul. A living well of HOLY water continually cleansing this vessel that cradles my spirit. And I have complete access to THE ALMIGHTY GOD who saved me from the dark one........who saved me from myself.

And don't ever doubt that I still stumble, I still fall......but I never fall back into the state of being lost. I've been found and He's told me He will never let me go! And I am FOREVER GRATEFUL!

For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all of creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
Romans 8:38-39

Search Me O God

When my days go whirling and twirling around me and I can't seem to get it right....I don't think I'm doing this right. I sit still and look for answers. I wait to hear something, anything that would direct me in the way I need to go. And isn't it easy to get lost in self? Until that's all you see and hear are the moaning and the groaning of an inward heart......

My heart sometimes gets trapped inside itself.....And I go through my days struggling and flailing about. Wandering off His chosen path for me. Irritated when I should be calm. Scattered when I should be assembled. Loud when I should be silent.......

Have I asked for Him to search my heart? Am I afraid of what He may find? .........What He already knows. Why do I fear the things He may ask me to do? I give excuse after excuse. I'm not qualified. I'm too busy. Too much on my plate. 

I fear I may mislead a soul....steer them down the wrong path....Say the wrong thing.  The Lord knows I don't bite my tongue near as often as I should!

But hasn't He worked miracles with the unqualified?  Didn't He use the "least of these" to do wonders and move mountains? And because I want to be faithful.....I need to be honest.

And if I were truly honest I would let you all know my priorities are not in order. I lack in the organization department. Oh my, I want to, I want to be organized...But I fear I have a selfish heart still.....Most times it still beats out of rhythm, and I'm desperately trying to keep in step. 

This wife, this Mama wants desperately to be the woman God has called me to be. He has showed me lately where I fall short......And I am ashamed, to say the least.....Do I dare type the words He has chosen for me to see...... the ones that He has chosen to describe certain areas of my life? 

Lazy,

Selfish,

Un-kept, 

Unorganized, 

Misplaced and dis shoveled priorities. 

Ouch! And that's just barely scraping the surface....

Just as He is a loving God He is a Just God. Correcting His children when He sees fit. And as a child of God my most passionate desire is to please Him...to make Him proud.

Won't you be so kind and please pray with me while I work on these areas of my life?......I will never be perfect, but I want to strive to open the door of my heart and let His light shine through me! And He has showed me that if I don't clean these areas up in my life , I won't be as effective in the plans He has for me.

Search me, O God, and know my heart;Try me, and know my anxieties; and see if there is any wicked way in me, And lead me in the way everlasting. Psalm 139:23-24

If Your Real Quiet and Walk Real Slow...

I remember my weekends as a child lifting logs and loading wagons to fill our cellar for the cold winter ahead. I remember my Daddy taking us for walks through the woods to show us all the different  trees and their leaves. He would show us all that was wild in the woods. Tracks that a deer made. A nest of turkey eggs and Mama turkey keeping close eye, sitting right above in a tree across the way. He always said "If your real quiet and walk real slow, you will get to hear and see so many things you never thought you could."

I remember him teaching us how to tell the age of an old maple or a large oak that he fell with his chain saw. "Just count the rings." And some of those trees seemed to have too many rings to count. I remember laying in the field of tall grass as we took a break for lunch. Wind blowing through my hair. Daddy passing out a banana for my sister and I to eat. I remember soaking in the sun and the peacefulness of it all. Daddy sharpening his chain for the next tree........

And lately I haven't been real quiet. I haven't taken the time to sit still to hear what He's been trying to say....I know He's talking to me, but all I want to hear are the plans that I have been making..........And as I count the 41 rings of my life I know He still has a plan for me. Am I willing to be real quiet and walk real slow to see and hear all the things He has in store for me? All the things I never dreamed I would see......

I'm still learning to let certain things go and give it to God. Because what I want right now may not be what He wants right now. It may not be what He wants ever.........I can't say it doesn't bother me or that it doesn't hurt, this not knowing. What I can say is... 

"If your real quiet and walk real slow, you will get to hear and see so many things you never thought you could." 

Thank you Heavenly Daddy and Earthly Daddy, for teaching this little girl patience....

I'm still learning to be still and know that He is God....

The Flower And The Thorn

I often wonder why God puts a flower among the thorns.....Why He sends us inconveniences. And often I, my flesh, tends to think that I'm the teacher. The one who needs to show them the way, but in reality, especially lately, I find it is I that is being taught......

I cringe at the thought that I have so arrived to the place where I am not able to learn anything more. This walk I'm on....this journey is a constant stretching and pulling and tugging. As He is smoothing out the rough spots I see pockets of GRACE all around me!

And I am reminded that even among the thorns there grows a flower. No matter how inconvenient it is for it to grow among the daggers it grows any way......Because it's the shards of this life....the shattered pieces that in fact make us strong. To show us that even among the thorns we can bloom.

And as God has been showing me that I still need work on patience and acceptance, humility and meekness, I stumble and fall. And the most amazing, humbling thing happens when he picks me back up and sets me on my feet again...... I see things more clearly.

When I thought I was the flower, I was actually being the THORN......

If It's Important To You......Love them So much It Hurts!

As a young child and even on into my teenage years I never understood the consequences of my actions. How my choices could permanently alter my future......

My thoughts go back to a stubborn young girl and parents who loved her so much that it hurt. How her actions not only affected herself, but so many around her.......how it affected all that knew her and wanted to protect her. So often she chose to shut down and turn away......

And today God has blessed her with children of her own, 8 to be exact.....3 in heaven and 5 right here. And she is living proof of God's grace......

Everything changes when you become a parent. Suddenly the blinders that were once bound to keep me from seeing have been ripped away. And I see now more than ever how important it is that I/we as parents are involved in every aspect of their lives.....The who, What, Where, When, Why and How. How important rules are in this family. How important that you as the parents are the decision makers, the protectors. How important it is to Love them so much it actually hurts!

If it's important to you, Mama and Daddy, that they go to church, then they have no choice! You drag them to church! If it's important to you that their curfew be 10:00, then enforce that time! If it's important to you that he/she eats their broccoli, peas and carrots, then don't let them eat anything else until they do! Hunger will soon set in and they will find those veggies are actually good! If it's important to you that they talk, then don't give up! Make them come out of their room! Let them know how important he/she, they are to you......Let them know how much you love them........Let them know how much it means to you that they are apart of your family! 

If you want to show them right from wrong, then do your best to be honest and stand up- right in God's eyes.... Children are complete copycats of their parents. They imitate what you do. Be aware of what you are doing!

This once stubborn girl has nothing but words and feelings of admiration and thankfulness to the parents who loved her so much that it hurt! I remember and I Thank you! But most importantly I thank My God for His Sweet Grace!!!!!

God has entrusted these precious souls in your care. If you won't lead them, Who will?

Another Visit

It was early December and Mr. winter had already brought his chill. Although I wouldn't of known it, being down South where the Sun shines warm. A call comes in, Mama tells me " The Doctor just said he don't have much time, a day at best." My heart beats fast in side my chest. I feel that anxious feeling...My legs all aching like I need to run.

My Man tells me to pack my bags, he'll take me up in the truck. And I had two babies I could hardly stand to leave for 5 minutes, let a lone a few days. And all the while with each mile I'm praying....begging God to please keep him here just a little while longer. I want to say goodbye. Please just let me say goodbye........

We make it through the first day on the road and morning finds me all sleepy eyed. Johnny's cell phone rings......I feel it in my bones as cold as the first winter snow that pierces straight through. He hands the phone to me and Mama says "Kimmy he's gone......he died last night beneath the light of the full moon....." And she's crying cause it's her Daddy.....I'm crying cause he's my Grandpa.

And I can still hear his voice like crakilin' fire.  "Say Kim!" He was the only one to call me Kim. He never knew I hated to be called anything other than Kimmy.....But I let him anyway. And in a small box there sits an angel pin that he had given me years ago. "I was going to take it to the priest to have it blessed but, he was busy and couldn't fit me in."

He came from a long line of Catholics and Mama she broke away and became Presbyterian...and me, I'm a Southern Baptist........And does it really matter what your denomination, if you all believe in the same God/Man that walked this earth. The very one that gave it all for you and I? If you understand that Jesus Christ is God's son and there is nothing you can do to earn your way to heaven.....The debt has been paid....The grave was conquered. If that's the belief you share than that's all that matters......

So when I got a call from Mama again telling me that my Grandma had to go in for surgery. I got that same anxious feeling.......You see, she is frail, with clogged arteries and heart issues......they said she probably wouldn't make it through surgery but, that if she didn't do the surgery she wouldn't make it anyway.

Don't get me wrong......I'm not afraid of death. I know she knows the God/Man. My fear? The one that gripped me 12 years ago, is the fear of not having the chance to say goodbye. It's hard to be 1200 miles away. To not be there for those moments when all you want to do is hold her hand, look her straight in the eyes, tell her how much you love her and then kiss her sweet Grandma lips........

I know she probably wouldn't appreciate me trying to write her off so soon but, I write this because life is fragile not only for my 89 year old grandmother but, for everyone! I write this because I haven't seen her in 4 years and I need another visit, because 4 years is too long to go with out grabbing her hand and hugging her so.........

 I don't know if I have the right but, I begged God again to give me another visit before she goes home for good .......Because not being able to see Grandpa before he went home, still really hurts my heart......

I want to thank you all for your prayers. She came through the surgery well and is recovering at home. God is Good...... I also want to make it clear that for what ever reason He chooses not answer my prayer, I will understand.

Because it's all, (the heartbreaks, tears, Joy, sadness, treasured moments.)  for his Glory!

Mama Be Careful

I've held back, turned away and many times, I  have bit my tongue.........

Mama be careful what you say. Profanity and slander shouldn't come out of your mouth and doesn't belong in their hearts. Words cut deep and leave wounds festering. You say you don't mean it, your just venting. Hurtful words spoken whether they have merit or not, it's what they hear. It's what pierces their hearts. It's what they remember.......Always.

Mama be careful who you let in your home. You say it's just noise. It keeps them out of your hair while your trying to catch up. What they watch, what they see sinks in until it desensitizes them.....you. And what was once horrific becomes the norm. Don't ever settle for normality! You were made to be EXTRAORDINARY!

Mama be careful how you lead. Little ones will follow what their Mama is doing. If your a screamer, they are too....If you lie, they do too. If your lazy, they are too. If you complain, they will too. If you are calm, quiet and compassionate about reading God's word, they will be too!

Mama be careful not to gossip. This action destroys lives and relationships and can tare apart healthy families. Please don't teach them how to gossip........

Mama be careful to show their Daddy love. Show respect. Be proud you are His wife. Let him know how thankful, how blessed you are that God gave you a provider..... Always be seen Kissing and showing affection. It shows stability and they need to feel secure. By watching you, one day their search for a mate will always bring their thoughts back to your marriage. They will know what to look for. That's what they will want. That's what you will pray for......And by God's grace that's what they will find.

Mama be careful, your time with them is very short but, you have the power to build, encourage and LOVE them into caring responsible adults. You also have the power to destroy, tare down and leave them wounded for life. You have been given a mission by our Heavenly Father to nurture and build up His children, because One Day, Heaven....Wouldn't you want to do your best and make Him proud?

Mama be careful to let them know your love is always there. That unconditional Mama's love will never leave......

And Mama let them always see you on your knees, hands folded in prayer. Let them see who is directing your path. Let them see whose lead you follow.............

Mama please be careful!

Eight Ways To Redeem Your Time

I write this not because I'm a perfect time keeper but, because I also need to be reminded of how often I let the thieves in to steal my/His precious time!

1. Rise with the Son. Before your feet hit the floor, may your first thought be of Him. Ask Him; How can you be a good and faithful servant Today? And then get dressed and make your bed!

2. Be aware of the time thieves.  How are you spending your time? Take note of all the things that rob you of your real purpose. Ask Him to reveal the things that keep you from having peace.

3. Jot things down. Write what you need to accomplish. Make a list for each day and then cross it off when your finished. It feels good to have a visual of what you have done.

4. Remember who your really serving. Remember your JOY! Serve as though He is right there sitting at the kitchen table with you. Because He is.....He is right there with you!

5. Remember your Blessings.....Count your Blessings one by one. Count them as if it were your last day here on this side of heaven.......

6. And then be thankful....Come to the table with a thankful heart.

7. Clean your kitchen before you go to bed. Wipe the counters, clean your sinks and sweep the floor. Your day seems so much better when you start with a clean kitchen!

8. Don't go to sleep with out talking to Him and telling Him about your day. Have Him search your heart to prepare you for tomorrow.......

Blessings to you today.

I'm Holding Your Hand, Can You Feel It?

When I closed my eyes tight in prayer I never dreamed He would answer so quickly....Never thought He would answer in such a way that it would make my heart melt. And why not? He is the God of the burning bush, always burning but never consuming. Always the light but never the hot blazing fire......

So where does this take my faith?............Ever stronger, Ever higher and so much deeper.

There was a little girl going in for surgery to correct her eye duct.....I know her Mama quite well and as the pictures would pop up on my news feed of little Sophia in her hospital gown I would pray......

And this is what I prayed.....God please take care of little Sophia and hold her hand. Be with her Mama hold her in your arms. Make this surgery short and simple and her recovery very quick.

Little Sophia is not your typical child...She is a miracle child and this is her condition:  Cerebral Palsy, which causes her to have mild seizures along with sensory disorders. You put all that a side and she is a beautiful, fun loving, sweetly faith filled little girl.

I commented on my friend's FB posts a couple of times to let her know I was there in spirit and in prayer. And then I made one last comment. I said "By the way, I am holding your hand can you feel it?"

The next post pops up and my sweet friend tells me to "Stop freaking her out!"

You see what I didn't know was, that at the very moment I had been praying, Sophia looked up at her Mama and asked her, "Mama do you see it? Do you see the angel holding my hand?" And Little Sophia's hand was cupped just like she was holding someone's hand.

Let me tell you about my God....The one who answers prayers in ways that only He can. What have I learned over the years? I've learned that it takes time to gain wisdom and grow faith. I've learned that the only way you can be close to God is if you talk to God. The only way to hear His heartbeat is to read His Living Word. And as the years move on He never ceases to AMAZE me. It seems the closer I get the more miracles I see......The more of HIM I see.

I've learned that prayer is not some monotone habit that you do before every meal. Or just when your scared and your life is a mess. Prayer is talking to your Father about everything. Prayer is an intimate relationship with the very God who breathed life into your spirit. Prayer is your life line..........Talk to God more. Include Him in your life and you will find that the more you pray, He has been holding your hand all along......Your just now starting to feel it.

And now I'm all warm and tingly and I've been telling my Sophia story to anyone who will listen and He so amazes me that I can't tell it with out tears........

Crystal Snow Flakes

Winter is here and I feel the chill. I'm not fond of the cold, but my soul longs for some snow. And I know some will say I'm crazy......And some have said I wouldn't last long up home any more where the North wind blows.  They say your blood runs thin when you've been away  too long.

And I've been away too long...My blood runs thin, but my soul runs deep. And it remembers these roads through every season. My feet have walked this earth. And I could tell you where this snow covered path leads. I've been on it a thousand times it seems and yet it's not enough.....

 I've walked these fields and danced with the trees. Seen hundreds of deer near the edge of the forest. I've seen where winter held back the spring and we thought we would never see the crocus bloom again.

And I believe He gives us all a glimpse of what home will be like. And as I long for all the things that I've grown to love.......I know of a narrow path. Its one that I'm ever conscience of....... always aware of how narrow but, how it will surely take you HOME. I'm still walking this path trying hard not to stray. To not be tempted by the detours. To keep my eyes heaven bound. He is my guide....He's the one with the map.

And as I follow His lead I see GRACE in the midst of all this BEAUTY. How Gracious He is to give us the things we long for when home isn't near. And it's funny, but I believe the snowflakes that fall from heaven are made of crystals and glitter  and they are even more beautiful but, not nearly as heavy and cold.......Its only when they fall to this sin soaked earth that they become heavy with bitter cold.......

And Oh how I long for Home where the streets are paved with gold and the crocus always blooms. The tears never fall and love never walks away. Where peace and joy are ever present...........And the longing for home ceases to exist.

The snow covered pictures were taken by my sister, Laura Smith. Because she knows I long for the little things that make up the moments of my life........

Bitter Sweet 16

I don't know why this bothers me so.......This mile stone, the one that's staring me square in the eyes this morning. I feel hurt. Like I didn't get a fair shake......He just can't be 16 today. As my mind rewinds I see little blond curls and a greased up little man. Always quiet. Always thinking. Always tinkering. Many toy trucks lay scattered on the floor, some had been taken apart to see what makes them tick. And today he's good at what he does always tinkering, taking big trucks apart. Although this time they are the real deal with all 18 wheels.

 I read a journal that I kept and wrote moments down before there was ever this thing called blogging. I search frantically, I know it's there. I wrote one for each of my children, a sweet poem to let them know how much I deeply love them......

And this is what I wrote 15 years ago........


My Little One

wake up my little one.
wake up from your sleepy slumber.
Mommy's here, my little one.
To take you through this day of wonder.
Slow down, my little one.
Your first birthday came too fast.
My precious little one,
I want this day to last.
Sleep now my little one
Tomorrow is another day.
Sweet dreams my little one
May God's LOVE kiss your face.

And this is what I want to write today......

You were the first to ever be cradled in my arms that I could call my own. The very first to call me Mommy. I've learned so much being your Mama. I've discovered a love like no other. None can compare. And I remember protecting you, not wanting to let you out of my sight. And Daddy gently prodding me to let you go. Little by little I would cut one string at a time.......

I am so proud of the young man you are becoming and I truly mean that. You are bright, hard working, passionate and so loving. I love that you still want to hug on your Mama at the ripe ole age of 16. I love your wit and your charm. I love how you can watch a scene from a movie just once and play it back with out hesitation matching the person's voice and remembering every line. I love how strong you have become but, yet you still have that sensitivity that you had when you were a little boy. And although you may not be little any more there is one thing that will never change! You will always be  my very first little man.

I deeply love you with every thread of my being and I can't imagine never having the honor of becoming your Mama. You have Blessed this Mama's life in more ways than you could ever imagine!

HAPPY SWEET 16 JOHN HUNTER JENKINS!!!