Did She Love?

Walking and living this life can find you choking back tears and feeling the burn of the years that laid the tracks behind you.

It's always the rushing and speeding through the days and if you could just get a grip.....If you could just breathe......

I will be turning 44 next month.........Age never really bothered me. I love the milestones. I love standing in the moment and looking back at my tracks. No matter how painful, it's okay to look back once in a while...to Remember where He found you but, it's so much more important to see where He has brought you. What are my tracks like you ask? Some are very faint and others laid thick and black like the hot rubber spinning off the tires as it melted into the pavement...And some are not even there at all. I'm not sure what is worse...The thick black track or the invisible one. Nothing in this life goes un-redeemed.....

As I sit here thinking about life and what really matters, there is one question that keeps running through my mind........

Did she love? Did she love with a full and selfless heart. Did she love until it hurt? Love until it wasn't all about her anymore?

Am I loving like Christ loved the church? Because Christ loved the broken, dirty, trampled on soul......He was not prejudice....His love poured on all who would soak it in........

I wonder if I'm loving enough? I wonder if I turn my love off at certain times of the day? Like a faucet that that needs a quick turn am I pouring out all my love?

Because life can get insanely crazy and there are days when I look back at my rubber laid tracks and they are still smoking.......

Because He is perfect LOVE, His cup runneth over.....A constant stream of living water can wash over my soul and flood out all that's selfish, all that's hurtful. This Mama, she wants to love like Christ.....

I want to be able to answer that question.......No, I want my children and my man to be able to answer that question  with a smile as they quietly nod their head yes..........I want my family and friends and those I lay my tracks near to be able to answer that question with a humble yes.

Did she Love with a selfless heart? Did she stop and take care of my need before hers? Did she refuel when her love seemed to be all tapped out? Did she know where to go when life went dry?

With out that kind of  love this world gets ever darker....

In my corner of the world I want to LOVE with a selfless kind of LOVE.........

Will they look back at my tracks and see CHRIST?

When they are asked the question, Did she love? Will they be able to say yes?

"The One"

It's been quite a while since I have stopped by. Seems life gets filled with so much to do it's hard to find the time for sharing words......

And yet, I really haven't had the urge to share for a while. You see God has been teaching me how much more important it is to listen than to speak. Because honestly wisdom comes from hearing and pausing in moments that were meant for silence.

Words can roll right on out like the waves on to the beach, but there are only two things they can leave behind..... an eroded soul or an abundant living life with in the sand.

Lately I've  been choosing to be slow to speak. Sometimes I don't speak at all.......Because it's in those moments I hear. I choose to dance with the waves and find life with my feet.

Oh how Beautiful are the feet of those who bring the good news!

And that's what I found in the silence.....They are not important, the words that I choose to say, that I think people need to hear are no where near as important as the words of "The One" who gave me life to speak.

I don't know it all. I never want to come across like I do! what I do know is how to LOVE because of "The One" who loved me first.

God said to Moses:
I am the eternal God. So tell them, that the Lord, whose name is "I am", has sent you. This is my name forever and it is the name the people must use from now on. Exodus 3:14



Ps........I want to share with you that when I was writing this post I already had a verse in mind. And I knew my title would be "The One".....So when I went to look for the location of the verse this is what I found in the footnotes. Notice "The One" twice in the text of the foot notes.......Was it I that was speaking today? Or was I listening while God was doing the speaking?

I Love "The One" who Speaks Life................
May His words be an encouragement to you as you seek Him in silence and go about your day.

Footnotes:

1. 3.14,15 Lord: The Hebrew text has “Yahweh,” which is usually translated “Lord” in the CEV. Since it seems related to the word translated “I am,” it may mean “I am the one who is” or “I will be what I will be” or “I am the one who brings into being.”

This Boy of Mine....This boy of Ours......

This boy of mine.....This boy of ours, the one who came with the morning light.....I honestly don't know if he understands. I really don't think any of them, the ones that call me Mama, will understand how deep her love runs for them. But then again we never really do understand how much one heart can hold until we let go and give life.

And what is it about this life that makes things stretch and grow until you feel you can't be stretched any more? I've said this before how I've grown up while raising our quiverful....Been learning right along side them. I've fallen more times than I can count and yet I still receive GRACE.

And I'm in awe of this young man and what makes him love Christ so much....What makes him lie awake, light on beside his bed reading his Bible.......What makes him so giving? What makes him work so hard? And then I see it as plain as day ......Christ gives the giving heart......makes the soul look forward and press on towards the goal. At such an early age he is where I should of been......18, Savior taking up occupancy in that heart of his. He has a plan, a goal in mind. knows what he wants.....And Daddy and I, we couldn't be more proud.

Sometimes we just have to let go.......most of us never grab hold of responsibility until it's given to us.....Then it's up to us what we do with it. It's up to us how we handle it......He always seemed to run with it. Understood it. He knew it was the key to un lock other doors....figured that out early.

No he's not perfect....He's a sinner saved by grace. And he's learning, and he'll go on growing and stretching till he thinks he can't be stretched anymore.

This Mama doesn't want to put him on a pedestal, but this Mama wants him to know how much he is loved....How proud I am of him.....How thankful God picked me to be his Mama....He could of chose any one else, but He chose me for the job...And although I have failed at times God was always there to pick me back up and help me press on....Because son, you were my goal, as are your siblings......You are what makes me move ahead. You are what I've always dreamed of doing with my life. I've always wanted to be a Mama. And because of God's grace and mercy he has given me that title......

And I will continue to give it my all with all that is in me.......Because YOU ARE WORTH IT! YOU ALL ARE WORTH IT!


I want you to know I'm still gonna mess up. This sin soaked Mama may not always get it right, but I'm still learning, I'm still growing.....Being stretched right along with you. Cuz with God as our Pilot we are on this journey together......And I will NEVER stop being your Mama!

And I want you to know as I'm watching you drive away in the real version of the ones you always use to play with as a boy.....my heart melts....Cuz I can't believe how time waits for no one. Because it's never easy to let go no matter what mile marker you are at. And I will continue to pray for this boy who stole my heart like it's never been stolen before, 18 years ago......

And P.S......I want to thank you for letting me take your picture. I know it's not your thing.....But you did great! And this Mama's heart is so thankful!

I Love you!

Fear and Worry: It will shut you in, tie you up and hold you hostage.

I don't know what's just around the next bend. I can't tell you what my tomorrow will be. I can't even tell you if I have tomorrow.

I can get all amped up about how this world seems to be chasing it's tail instead of chasing after a Sovereign God. I can be scared and worry about my children's future....Because to be honest, their future looks quite scary.

I can also tell you there is no such thing as a spirit of fear if Christ be near.....If Christ dwells, there is no fear.

I wanna tell you that what I know is, all that worry we put ourselves through, never brought salvation to no one......Never kept anyone safe. Never helped them out of trouble. Never kept the unforeseen hidden. Can I also tell you that a very wise woman once told me that 99% of the things she worried about NEVER CAME TRUE! And she lived to be 91!

It can cut you up and separate you out. Till all the pieces of your soul are dumped on the floor and your looking at an impossible mess.

Worry and fear can keep you from living life to the fullest extent. It can cause stress, sickness, heart problems (physically and spiritually). It can cause your mind to shut down and consume the largest part of your brain, your day, your life.....It will consume your soul. It will shut you in, tie you up and hold you hostage.

And when your mind is trapped in a prison of fear your heart can't feel. Your heart closes the door to all that God would have for you and you miss out on blessings.....Blessings that were meant for you to share. Because really what this life is all about is LOVE. LOVE is the glue to your broken soul. LOVE makes you whole.

Because He's the reason we're here. He's the GRACE GIVER, The PEACE LOVER, The SOUL CHANGER..........HE IS LOVE.

And Beloved if there is one thing I would want to leave you with tonight it would be this:

May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God. Ephesians 3:19

It Was Just Another Day

It was just another day, another ordinary trip into town. He was picking up some hay, had it loaded down heavy on the bed of his old dodge truck.

He's just another young man learning how to live. Going through life with God on his side. He's not one to be made of. He probably won't really like the idea of me writing about him.......But his mama is proud and I need to share. You see he just does what comes naturally. Thinks it's no big deal.....He thinks every one should feel that way......

She broke down not even a mile out of town. Sitting on the side of the road with her hood up. My son drives by takes notice and pulls over. Offers his help. He gets under the hood and diagnoses her problem. Runs to the part store to pick up a new hose. The guy at the parts store asks "What it's for?"....My son proceeds to tell them it's for this little old lady broke down on the side of the road......The guy at the parts store just gave him the part and said "go ahead just take it." You see a generous heart usually is extremely contagious. Kind of makes people fall into giving like dominoes falling from that first slight nudge.

He gets back to the little old lady, fixes her car, she offers to pay and he refuses any money. The only thing he requested is that she come visit our church. "No ma'am I don't want your money. My name is Hunter and I go to church at FBCU, you should come visit us sometime."

He comes home, goes about his day......Comes in for supper. We all sit down and out of the blue he says, "Well I helped this little old lady broke down on the side of the road today. Went and got her a part and fixed her car." Dad and I smiled told him how nice that was and then we all just kind of moved on.

Next day I get this message from a friend at church asking if it was my son that helped this little lady yesterday...To make a long story short it led me to get in contact with her daughter who lives out of state and was so thankful our son was there at just the right time.

She told me that all they had  to go on was this young man who looked to be about 18, his name was Hunter and he drove an old white Dodge with hay loaded down in the back. And that he went to First Baptist Church Umatilla. She said her mama needed to know who it was so she could thank him.....So that she could thank someone.

I told my son that he had become famous. Showed him the FB posts....He really couldn't understand the big deal. "She needed help and I helped her. That's all it was."

I understand his plight because after a while it got me to thinking that it really shouldn't be a big deal.....We should all be pulling over, taking time out of our busy schedule and asking if someone needs our help. It should be the norm. It should be what comes naturally. It should be that way all over.

I must tell you my boy is humble.....He's not one to take on attention. He doesn't understand what all the fuss is about. I also must tell you that I could learn a thing or two from our first born son. Can I also share that this simple act of kindness....It was his decision. Yes his father and I raised him, BUT GOD is the one who gets all the GLORY. He simply chose to obey his Father in heaven.....We simply have tried to steer him in the right direction.

So I thank God for my son and the life lessons. I thank God for His faithfulness. We are truly blessed especially when we are faithful to be obedient.

When All I Had Was A Rock To Give

When thinking of a gift to give, one that could fit in her pocket. One that she could take with on the flight into Honduras. Something she could hold onto and remember. Something that would remind her of His strength.

I asked Him to give me an idea, one that I could use, one that I was not meant to buy because something bought just seemed too inappropriate. And what if we all just need that simple yet profound reminder? What if.......

Because the place she was asked to go is not very safe.....Actually it's quite scary. I've never known her to say no to God. I've never known her to walk away from a mission, even when it's scary......Even when she couldn't see through to the other side. She always knew God would be there to see her to the end.

I never once saw her as weak. I really never thought she could be weak until her mama went home and then I knew...... we are all weak......Even the ones that seem so strong. We all come broken.......

To see her hurt broke my heart.....I held her hand and just listened over and iced coffee and a cookie. I knew there was nothing I could say that she didn't already know. I also knew that sometimes we just need friends to be quiet so they can talk it out. Talk out the hurt and fear of not knowing what comes next and all the while knowing you have to trust the God/man through every twist and every turn......She knows that, she just needed to talk it through. We prayed and we laughed through tears, we hugged and shook our heads at how this world just never seems to stop for no one......

I called my sister because her and I have that same creative gene. I ask her for a small rock. She couldn't find one. I hung up the phone looked down and there it was. Perfect! Not too small, not too big. Just right to put in her pocket.

2 Samuel 22:3-4 My God is my rock, in whom I take refuge, my shield and the horn of my salvation. He is my stronghold, my refuge and my Savior. From violent people you save me. I called to the Lord, who is worthy of praise, and have been saved from my enemies.

That's what I wrote on her rock. The address of a place she could find strength. A simple yet profound reminder. 

Something she already knows but, sometimes when it's touchable and tangible it makes it more memorable. And so it is with the broken, we need to be more tangible and quiet for each other, because sometimes, that may be all we need.

To be able to hold onto "The rock" for strength and courage...So comforting....So TRUTH.

My sweet Mentor, My sweet Missionary friend,   I. Am. Praying.     And I love you more!

He's Not The Romantic Kind

 He's never been the romantic type. Never one to light the candles and swoon me with sweet flowery words......He's never planned a romantic getaway.......Too practical for sending flowers that will soon die.

He's never been one for moon lit walks. Not since I've known him anyway. You see he has this one bad foot from a tragic accident long ago.....and it keeps him from doing what most people enjoy doing. He's not one to go out and buy things with jewels and drip them around my neck...

He's one to realize that those jewels could never amount to what he feels I'm worth. How do I know? Because his love is an action.....With him it's not a feeling. It's in the serving.

Never been one to write me love letters...Although he did write me one at my request. And I love him for doing it even though he never really wanted to. It's just not him. And I know most women would probably be upset. Most women wouldn't understand. Most women would of been hurt by his unromantic side.....But can I please share with you?

I fell in love with this man over 23 years ago. I fell in love with his smile, his voice, his big brown eyes. I fell in love with the way he fell in love with me. I fell in love with the raw, strong, hard working, real and very faithful man. I knew right from the beginning that he was good......He made me want to be good.

Can I tell you that I'm not one for a lot of shimmering jewels around my neck.....Can I tell you that I really love flowers but I'm not hurt because I fell in love with a practical man who bends to my crazy schemes and dreams....Goes off and buys me a cow and builds me a barn and all because I only asked once.....

Can I tell you that I know he has a soft side......can I tell you that when he whispers in my ear that he loves me, I really truly know he means it.....Because he's never been one to just toss those three words around.

My daughter asked me why her Daddy isn't the romantic kind. Why no flowers or dinner dates......I looked up and smiled at her. I asked her, "if he did those things would it make a difference?" She laughed and said "I think if he did, it would be funny because it just wouldn't be him."

Exactly! It just wouldn't be my man. It wouldn't be the one I fell in love with all those years ago. And I don't want him to pretend to be somebody he is not......I'm not one to cling to fake.....I'm all about being real.

This man that shares my life has shared his heart with me and only me and I love him! I love his rawness, how smart he is. I love his quiet, thinking side. I love how he is one with few words but when he speaks it's because he has wisdom to share (or something embarrassingly funny to say). I love his laugh and the moments he looks at me with those dark brown eyes. I love how we have literally grown into one over the years and still continue to do so.....I love how he is unromantic, but I am a hopeless romantic. I love that he is strong and I am sensitive. I love how we balance each other out.

So for all you women with your romantic men, you can keep em'!  It just wouldn't be right for me/for us!

The Two In The Middle

Little man catches a glimpse of his mama outside walking the property and snapping shots. I hear the door slam, birds fly away and foot steps of a ten year old boy running to catch up with me.......I haven't really had a moment alone to capture life like this in a while.......

It always amazes me what you can catch in the lens of a camera.....

 At first I have to be honest I was a little bothered by little man's interruption, but when I looked into those baby grays I knew I better change my heart.

Have you ever got so caught up in something or someone else that you totally overlooked what was screaming to be heard right in front of you? Yep,  that's been me lately......

And sometimes my life seems to be trace paper thin and I'm wondering how much more transparent I can be? All I know is how to be real....I don't know any other way.

 Little man seems to be always teaching me lessons.....Ones that I'm too stubborn to learn. I am often the reason for the middle child syndrome. one boy and one girl caught smack dab in the middle of 6 kids.....

 And sometimes I get so caught up in the first ones to leave and the last ones to go that I miss the ones right in the middle.......

And before I know it I will have missed it.......missed all those moments I could of had.

And there they are growing and stretching, hearts towards the Son. I just hope they know how much they are loved.......How much I love them.....No more and no less than the two in the beginning and the two bringing up the caboose at the end.

Little man reminds me that I will all too soon have those moments to snap shots alone.......And really, some of the best shots in life are when you are interrupted and taken down a different road you were never planning on going in the first place...Let alone walking the path with company.....

 By the way it was little man that led me down this path....I would of never captured these shots if he hadn't  interrupted me when he did.

Will You Listen?

Marked with 60 year old crayons, tied up with string and made from paper that's just as old, is a hand made recipie book. It still has flour on it from all those years ago. It seems to have with stood the test of time.

Made by this little boy. She calls him Richard. I call him daddy. It sits in my kitchen, writing all faded. I can't seem to make out the words in most of the recipes. But I keep it any way.......I guess as a reminder that a long time ago he was just a boy and she, she was a very young Mama. He was her first of seven. And the days and the stories grow old together. I never tire of hearing them. Life on the farm. It was hard and they were poor, but they had each other. My Daddy, if you give him an ear he'll give you the afternoon full of adventures, trials and things that he still questions....... why?

When your baking a cake it's always wise to follow the recipe. So that nothing gets left out. When living life there is a recipe book........the Bible And when that one ingredient gets left out the end results could be devastating. Literally life threatening.


He tugs at my ear, and asks won't you read/spend time with me? I wrote it just for you, I breathed life into it and I put my all in it. I poured out my heart. It's in there, the words on how to live this life to the fullest. I left nothing out. If your struggling, I can help. If your heartbroken, read my love letter. If your empty, come get filled up. If your full of praise come sing the psalms to me.

I hear Him calling "Please won't you just come sit with me a while? You really do make me smile. I'll take you on some amazing adventures. Action packed and full of mystery. Full of Romance and trials.....But most of all, it's full of Triumphs! It's where you will find grace for the days all done wrong...Love for the moments you feel alone......Instruction and good council when you need advise."

"I made a way. I cleared a path that you can take. One that leads you straight to me. Just give me some of your precious time and I will give you the most precious thing of all........LIFE beyond this side of heaven. Where death has no sting and brokenness has no stronghold......."

I truly do love you. My love? It has always withstood the test of time and it's strong enough to make you whole again. Strong enough to carry you through every hard hitting moment that blows your way. I promise!
Love,
God

These are the very words I hear in my head constantly, because He has written words of love and etched them deep with in my heart.

When God speaks to your heart, will you listen?

God's Hope Chest

January 7th and every one has already made their News Years resolutions....and me? I have yet to claim one. I have yet to scratch anything down on paper. I have yet to make them known....They are kind of tricky, kind of misleading....Easy to let go of when you feel yourself slipping. Easy to put them off til another Monday, because starting all over in the middle of the week just won't do.

Resolutions are like promises, easily broken...Hard to hold onto....Hard to keep. Hard to swallow when you find yourself losing what you never really had claim to. What you never really meant to finish any way. Because really, it all just sounds good until you get to the end of the year and there is nothing to show for the promises made to yourself.........

Resolutions can be selfish all about me and what I need to do to become better. Better physically, Better mentally, Better Mama, Better friend, Better wife.....It's not all about what I need to promise....It's not a list of goals on a piece of paper......It's not getting myself under control...It's not getting myself disciplined......No matter how hard I try I will never be better going it alone.......You can't be where God wants you to be unless you allow God where He needs to be....In Control!

It's about giving up before I even get started. Giving in and letting go of all the promises to become better.....Letting go of control over my own life and handing it over to the one who created my life. Because in all honesty He knows me better than I will ever know myself.....Every hair on my head is accounted for......Every tear, every giggle, every heartache, every secret...Every little detail about my life is tucked away in God's hope chest.....You know the kind that your Grandparents keep at the end of their bed. And it's filled with all the things that made up each and every moment of their life. It's all there to tell a story. It's all there to hold onto. And if you ever wanted to look back at your life you look in that hope chest because they were there in the beginning of your life here on this side of heaven. They know your story better than anyone.

That's how it is with God's Hope Chest, only His is much, much bigger! And His began on the other side of heaven before your story even began on earth.

You see I give up trying to accomplish goals on my own. I give up making resolutions.....My God knows me all to well. He knows I would just misplace the piece of paper they were written on. He knows I would just keep starting next Monday. 

I've been on this road of change and it's starting on the inside....Oh you can't tell from the outside at least not yet.......Spending time with God makes you see what's broken.....Makes you realize you were never really in control at all. I was just spinning my wheels making things sound just fine....Words have a way of covering up what's really wrong. They can be a hiding place from all the weight of this world and as much as I love to write it's not where I need to be hiding......But you know it's so very true when the Bible tells you, Christ can lift your burdens......You wanna know how? You spend more time with Him than computers, TV's and gadgets. You get lost in His words and disregard your own. You put down your phone and all the things that take you away from the One who has His Big ole Hope Chest filled with all of the things that make Him smile about you and you let Him take every broken, hurt, over burdened thought, detail and stronghold and let Him have control. Just give up......Let Go......And Let God. And when you do you will notice a change from with in. You will begin to heal from the inside out.....Your once carefully thought out goals will soon become His goals for your life.....His plan is so much better than yours or mine ever could be! Because His yolk is easy and His burden is light.

"Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and YOU WILL FIND REST FOR YOUR SOULS. "For My yoke is easy and My burden is light." Matthew 11:30