Would You be so Kind?

I've been wrong more times than I can count. I've raised my voice way too often. I've gossiped about people I know, when I should of just kept my mouth shut........

I surely never said "I am perfect." Oh but I can always strive to be better!

I've only listened to one side without asking for the other, And then all too quickly made my harsh judgement! I've looked at people different than I and assumed I had them all figured out.

I really don't remember saying "I am perfect." But I'm trying to be better........

I've thought of myself all too often, stayed behind the computer screen and have neglected my duties as his  Wife and their Mama.

I've been bitter in the past and held on to hurt until it ate me up inside......

Did I really ever think I was perfect?

And this is hard for me to tap  these failures out for all to see......

I've  grumbled and complained when I didn't feel like serving and served with an ungrateful heart...Why serve at all?

I'm surely not perfect.........

And the times I should of spoke up and never did. The times I knew someone needed a hug, an ear and I turned away........

The countless times He told me to go.........And I never moved.

I'm so far from perfect.......

The times I've went too far and said things that should of never left my mouth.....The times I hurt people and never knew it.

When I had given advise and thought I knew it all and boasted about it.

I cringe at ever thinking I could ever come close to being perfect!

I want to take this moment, this post and apologize to any one that I might of hurt in any of these actions. And to let you know I'm far from being perfect. But I know the Perfect One. The Holy One. And He has been working on my heart for 20 years now. And little by little He has chiseled away the gossip,the ungratefulness, the judgement, All the things that bury His light inside my heart. And yes there are still those times I slip and fall but, I ask that you would be so kind as to forgive me.........As He has forgiven me.

You see Because, One day Heaven and I will climb up into my Father's lap and all of the ugly things I have done will not be what He sees in me. When He looks at me He will see the light of His SON. That's what I strive for. Oh I will never be perfect this side of heaven but, I can surely strive to be more like Him. That's my heart, that's what I long for. That's what I'm most passionate about!!!

Her Stained Glass Window

I sat in a room tonight, chairs tight together. And as I looked around I saw faces, nothing out of the ordinary. A young woman gets up to speak. She came to give her testimony. And as she spoke there was nervous laughter. And I couldn't understand. Such a serious matter as this and all this nervous laughter........

She went on to share about her life....As a child her parents loved drugs more than their daughter. They used her to get the next quick fix. And as she is talking there are no tears......just light hearted  laughter and an occasional joke or two. How can this be? My heart was braking for her. For the Mama she never had. For the daughter the Mama never took the time to love. She went on to say how she was moved to a foster home.  How she would use a box cutter on herself to make the pain go away.  How they diagnosed her with one disorder after the other, But nobody ever came up with the diagnoses of a broken heart.

And as she was standing there in front of us all, I had come to the conclusion that the nervous laughter wasn't nerves at all....... that her laughter was her way of healing. Her way of dealing with the shattered pieces of her life. And it's funny to me how I saw the beauty in the short moment she was standing there. How I noticed her sweet sense of humor and her quick wit. And I couldn't help but feel anger towards her Mama....Look at all the years wasted. She never took the time to notice the BEAUTY in her daughter..... Some how this Mama of five felt connected. I liked her immediately.

She finished and sat down........

And the faces, the ordinary faces. Began to speak. One by one, heart brake after heart brake......Trauma after trauma. Tears would slide down the cheeks of women who sat silent. They too, had a story to tell. Forgiveness is what we studied......Forgiveness is what we all need to learn. Forgiveness is not forgetting, but the letting go of.....

Letting go of the hurt, the pain, the loneliness the betrayal. It's the letting go of what's keeping you captive. For how can one live all bound up in chains? Forgiveness is not saying that what was done is right.....It's giving yourself permission to be free of all that's keeping you in bondage. There is a higher court with a Supreme Judge who takes care of what we are not able.......for what we can't. Because He is fair and just. He is God!

He first forgave us so that we may also forgive. FORGIVENESS is HEALING.

This young woman who bravely gave her testimony is starting to see how her ashes can be traded in for BEAUTY. And though her life as a child may have been shattered, there is a stained glass window being made with the broken pieces. and from what I can see it's going to be BEAUTIFUL!

I Have Since Left My Jar By The Well

"Sir," the woman said," you have nothing to draw with and the well is deep. Where can you get this living water?" John 4:11

I've been there, I've been to the well that never quenches your thirst. I kept filling my water jar but I was always thirsty. I would come to the table to eat and never be filled.

But He said to them, " I have food to eat that you know nothing about." John 4:32

I never really understood any of that...........I never knew what it meant to never thirst again, to be filled with The Word, The Holy Spirit. I never understood how you could feel physically full when you allow your self to consume the bread of life........until I drank from His well and broke of His bread.

That was so many years ago that I tried to fill my water jar from the worlds well. And now, I find that I crave The bread of life......And the water, It's like a spring welling up inside of me, welling up with eternal life; Always flowing and never going dry. I have since left my jar by that old well. His water is much sweeter, and so refreshing.

Then, leaving her water jar, the woman went back to the town and said to the people, "Come, see a man who told me everything I ever did. Could this be the Christ?"  John 4:28

He knows everything I ever did, every thought I ever had. He watches over me, in my going out and my lying down. He is the keeper of my heart, the Savior of my soul. Why wouldn't I want to go out into the town?

"My food," said Jesus, "is to do the will of him who sent me and to finish his work." John 4:34

His work is finished until He comes again. But as for me, while I'm still here, I still have work to do. " I tell you open your eyes and look at the fields! They are ripe for harvest. John 4:35

96. Living Water
97. Bread of Life
98. Keeper of my heart
99. Eyes To See His Fields

A Soul Drenched Rain Washing

On a day like today I feel I need to be washed in rain. I would of went out, but the thunder kept me from getting my soul drenched. Have you ever just stood in the rain? Just to stand there and let it soak in and run down your face? It hides the tears if you have any.

On a day like today when nothing goes right and you seem to lose control of your tongue and your mind.....A dance in the rain cleans the soul. A soul drenched rain washing. It's been such a long, long time since I've played in the rain.

Water sustains life......A symbolism for a new life. And you shall rise up out of the water and be born again. Baptism is a one time thing, but a soul drenched rain washing should be often... I'm long over do.

This is our rainy season. Maybe tomorrow I can dance, play and cry invisable rain soaked tears. Tears of Thankful praise that I am forgiven much.  Understanding that I'm so not deserving of this Soul drenched rain washing. But that's why He is Grace and Mercy....


He did what no one else could do, what no one else would do. So stop working towards heaven. The work has already been done. He paid the price....Come dance in the rain with me.....Let Him know you need Him. You can't do this life with out Him. You can't go home with out Him.........

Forgiven Much

I think back to where and when these feet of mine must of taken their first step. And I look to where they are standing now. What a journey!  There are times I wish they would of taken a different road. I often wonder if I would be standing here if they did. So much Grace and Mercy has been poured into my life.

These feet of mine have carried me through a wonderful childhood. Memories abound. This old barn beam may not look like much to you. To me it's a moment in time. A time when two little girls were running and laughing. Going in and out of Grandpa's barn that use to stand so proud. It's nothing but a memory now. A great wind blew her down. I have what is left. An old piece of wood and the memories that cling to it.

These almost 40 year old hands would help me climb up into the loft and day dream with my dear sister.....about made up stories and  songs that only her and I can still sing to this day. These hands of mine have held dollies and toy cars. They often were intertwined with big sister's hand. Their journey went on too. Sometimes it has been the wrong path. They needed a map, a guide.

They now wipe tears and noses. Cook meals and make blankets, they do laundry and hug children. They are often found caressing the cheek of my  husband. They have done much, not always right, but not always wrong. They are forgiven, along with the rest of my body and soul. They have been found and guided.

You see my feet and hands have learned much on their journey,and they have been forgiven much, So that they can teach these little hands how to love and pray on their journey.

Therefore, I tell you, her many sins have been forgiven- For she loved much. Luke7:47
Jesus said to the woman your faith has saved you; go in peace. Luke 7:50

I'm still learning on my journey, but now my Journey is with Christ. He leads the way.

Hurtful words, Tape, and Forgiveness

My two girls decided to make a family book. Working together, having fun, and filling the house with laughter. And though they are 4 years apart they are still close and knitted together.

Carefully filling the pages with colors and hand drawn pictures of each family member. Writing words of love. Except for one word that stands out from all the rest.

Can you see it?

No one noticed it except the one it was meant for. Their intentions were good.

They did not write it to hurt, but it did.

And he did not forget that hurt. He held on to that hurt for two weeks until he came across our little family book. This little boy at the tender age of six so full of energy and what I like to call monkey doodles......is not BAD. He is delightfully busy.

Seeing that book brought that hurt to the front of his mind, and he did what he thought was the only right thing to do.

He started taring and tearing up. He didn't stop until every page was gone. Especially the one that caused the hurt.
Wether they are written or said, hurtful words run deep and are hard to erase even as little as they may seem.

And sometimes they can never be erased no matter how much patching up and tape you use.

I think their are two lessons to be learned here. First, Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up. According to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. Ephesians 4:29. No matter how insignificant the words may be to you, they could be larger than life to someone else. Even when you have nice words to follow, that one negative word erases them all and stands out like neon lights to the one it's intended for.

 Second, We still must forgive. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving eachother, just as in Christ, God forgave you. Ephesians 4:32. As I am writing this my two bubbly girls {who were not aware of the hurt that one word caused, until I told them,} are now in their room making a new family book with only positive, loving words for building eachother up.