Only She Knows

Trying to keep busy...that's what we do when we want to stop the tears from flowing, but they seem to come anyway. Because no matter what we do his memory always shines through. Always something that brings him to mind.

Putting the Turkey in the oven this morning and all I could think about was who will carve the bird this year? That job was his. Like so many other little memories that we seem to take for granted until we look for the need to be met. And really it's not that someone else can't do it.......It's not that we need the job done.....It's really just because we feel the strong urge of needing him.

She calls me to tell me she has gravy left over from a church dinner.....Tells me the tears come so easy. I tell her "It's gonna be hard, but we are all here and we love you." And some how words just don't heal the hurt. They can't fix what's broken. Can't bring back who was lost. And I'm all about words. It's what I do to release what's bottled up. But I can't type fast enough..... I can't speak just the right words to help her......

We feel the pain, but only she knows the deep hurt. And as much as we try to tell her we understand we just can't possibly know the crushing weight of 56 years of memories...And even though they are good ...Sometimes even the good memories are laying heavy on our hearts until we feel we can't breathe. Only she knows how that feels right now.

She tells me..."We had talked about this. We talked about who was going to go first and it was supposed to be me....It was suppose to be me."

And so we all gather round her, love on her and hurt with her....Just trying to make more precious moments.

But yet we are all still very Thankful. And even though it hurts so deeply to love this much, I know she would tell you it was well worth the ride. Well worth the time. Well worth the struggle.

 I can't imagine not ever knowing him.

I can't imagine not being able to have this opportunity to love her through this.

And only she knows how deep the hurt......