Angry Words and Fragile Hearts

I often wonder why I can't speak eloquently in front of people.....Why, when I'm confronted with every day issues I can't convey what I'm thinking?  Put a pen and paper in my hand, or a key board and soft music in the back ground and the words somehow seem to flow like a river........But then again confrontation was never my strong suit. It seemed to be a suit that was always too large, one that I was never meant to wear. I'm more apt to back down and turn away because I'm afraid of the words I might say out of hurt and frustration....yes that's me.

Don't get me wrong, there have also been some times where I have spoken and should of kept quiet........I still have moments when my tongue wags.

I guess it's easy to tap keys without an audience. No one here but Him and I in silence. I always ask, I always run it by Him before I share. It's not easy to do when your in confrontation, the heat of the moment. To stop and ask for advise I mean......But isn't it better to take the time, to pause a little, take a deep breath and walk out of the room. To stop and ask for help when you know your headed in a no win situation fast.

There was a moment a couple of years ago that I didn't take the time. I did not pause and breathe deep. Instead I spewed hurtful words across the room and scared my family. Believe me when I say my intentions were not to harm their hearts. I was just as shocked as they were when I had ran in the room and slammed the door. And at the time I was begging for a do over. I wanted to take it all back. but I couldn't.....I can't. And they still remember. I've said my sorries asked for their forgiveness, tried to explain away the daggers still piercing their hearts. I chalked it up to being pregnant and told them that sometimes that happens, hormones raging out of control. In reality, there was no excuse for my behavior.

I tell you this story to let you know that I may be encouraging as I sit behind my computer and I take the time to make sure my words are just right but,  sometimes I say things that hurt and cut deep. And although they all have forgiven me.....I know they still remember the moment. I can't take the words back. I can only hope they know how deeply sorry I am. How much they are all truly loved by me. And that my heart still breaks at the memory of it all.

I tell you this story to let you know how deeply words wound and destroy and if we don't take the time to pause we may spew a fatal blow, a piercing dagger right through a fragile heart of a loved one.

Today I felt a little hurt, a little gained up on. But I paused, breathed deep and walked away.......And no angry words were said. And fragile hearts were kept in tact.

17 Every good endowment and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change. 18 Of his own will he brought us forth by the word of truth that we should be a kind of first fruits of his creatures. 19 Know this, my beloved brethren. Let every man be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger, 20 for the anger of man does not work the righteousness of God. 
James 1:17-20