Even In The Dark The Son Does Shine

What the sun reveals when it dances in the field right before dusk........

And I smile because only he can paint this way. It's His light that reveals beauty before the dark.

At the same time, it's His light that reveals what is dark........It's His light that reveals the dirt in the corners of my soul. Yesterday His light was shining and showing the ugly side of me. Like a spot light

And me, I was standing center stage. All raw and wrapped in the flesh. My meek and quiet spirit wasn't anywhere to be found.

I just couldn't seem to get it right.......And the more I tried to gain control, the more the darkness seemed to creep in. And doesn't the "dark one" lavish in my self pity? Doesn't he tell you that you will always be a failure? I prayed hard for night to fall, for the dark to fall and hide the ugliness of the day.

But even in the Dark The SON DOES SHINE. When life was hitting me hard, when the baby screamed, and the kids were just being kids, I gave up and threw in the towel. I gave in and let go. But He never did....Let go I mean.

When it's hard to find the light with in you. Remember The Son still shines on you. And He reveals what is pure, what is lovely. In the same way He also reveals the darkness, the ugliness..........What He revealed in me yesterday tells me I need to be molded. That I have not yet arrived. That I need never to think that I have........arrived I mean. That I can't do this alone. That I need Him. That I gave up to easy and let go too soon.

 I know my days are not always gonna be Sunshine and rainbows. But I also know the moments in my day wether they be quiet and calm or loud and abrupt, are either enhanced or hindered by my attitude. By my darkness.......What I'm trying to learn, what He is trying to teach me over and over again is gentleness. And there are days when I believe I've got it! Until yesterday hits. What I think He is trying to tell me is that I don't lean on, think about, talk to, focus on HIM enough. No where near enough.......I still have these moments when I'm running like I'm on my own. I can handle this alone.......And then I find myself wandering lost in the dark.......

He always seems to bring me back......Back into the warmth of His light. It's amazing how dark ones life can be without the SON............

Before The Last Moon Rises

I'm here.......... way down here, wondering how far it is to Glory? I often think about how the journey will be. Rising up, sailing past the puffiest of clouds on into the orange creme cicle sunset......

I had a dream the other night. It was more like a night mare.......One that had me grasping my pillow as tight as my hands could hold something, anything......My heart racing, pounding as if it were going to explode. I dreamt of a time to come for you, for me........

And I feel that I need to tap this out before another sun sets.......I was up home and the time was near. I was frantically going from place to place checking for those.........for loved ones left behind. Because He was calling my name and beckoning me to come home. And I kept saying Lord wait.......There are so many here that don't know...........that don't know you and if they just speak your name then won't you save them? Won't you save them from this horrible fate?

Can't they come home with me before the last moon rises high? And He kept saying, no child it's too late. It's just too late.

Oh please hear my heart Beloved! Don't wait til it's too late.....I know why I had the dream....In Sunday school class we are studying Revelation. It's a book that shouldn't be skipped over. One that you should read. And if it makes you squirm, makes you uncomfortable well that's because it's true......His word is true. Did you know that in the very beginning of Revelation it says

 Blessed is the one who reads aloud the words of this prophecy, and blessed are those who hear, and who keep what is written in it, for the time is near. Revelation 1:3

And what I'm writing may make you squirm. It may make you uncomfortable........You may stop reading my Blog. But I'm here tapping this out for you. For you who need to hear. In this life you weren't meant to go it alone. In this life we are far from perfect. But I know the Perfect One. He can right your wrong before the Judgement throne........And when that day comes you would be ready.....It wouldn't be too late.

The book of Revelation should be read, studied and shared........the book of Revelation should start a fire blazing inside your heart. A strong desire to share the Savior. This Easter Sunday Won't you discover Him who rose from the grave. The one with nailed scarred hands. The Perfect One who gave His Life for you, for me.............

and for those who use to know me way back when. I'm not the girl I use to be. Oh I'm still sin soaked but I have a Savior. The God- man that walked this earth so many years ago. And if he can change this heart of mine........

Oh Beloved aren't you tired of searching?

Emptied Out, To Be Filled Back Up

In the morning I rise and I ask Him how to be a better Mama. How to be a better wife..........

And the gentle morning breeze blows in. I'm sitting in a chair that has done it's share of rocking. It's old, worn and torn. I know what it takes.  And the one thing that keeps running through my mind is let His light shine bright in you..........Serve like He serves, live like He did when He walked this earth, Love like He loves.........Let your light shine. Don't ever let the shadows of darkness creep in and hide Him who lives in you.

After 18 years of emptying my heart and asking for His love to be poured back in, you would think I would have it all together, you would think I would know how to love like Him, to serve and sacrifice like Him, to give like Him.........You would think I would know how to keep my light shining like the Son..........

But I'm sin soaked, always will be until I meet with Him face to face. Until He brings me home......And so I go on living this life He so graciously forgives each time my heart emties out to repent of the hurt and the dirt that I have filled it up with. I empty it of self and fill it back up with .............Love, His forgiving, grace filling love. And as each grace filled year goes by I'm constantly changing as The Potter Molds His Clay. Each Day I feel I'm becoming that Mama, that Wife He wants me to be..........And I love how He loves me.

I Will Always Be Their Mama

We sit in an office that's crisp and clean and at the table two gentlemen sit discussing the "what if's?" I squirm cause my mind can't stop racing with each question being asked. And I know that what's being asked will gradually get harder to answer. These things you hope will never happen this early in life, but it's better to be prepared.

And I'd rather be somewhere else with my man, any where but here discussing our hypothetical death........

And I try and think happy thoughts between hard moments. We just got our baby goslings in. My son and I share this hobby. It's just something him and I share together, it's what we have in common, it's how we relate, how we come together........and the questions one by one keep coming........

And the girls and I, we have this garden. We pulled herbs from the earth the other day and hung them up to dry. It's just something we do, it's what we have in common. It's how we relate, it's how we come together.

I look at my man cause I really don't know the answer to this next question. He is wiser and more grounded than I, and I find I need him, especially at times like this.

And as I'm typing this I'm thinking about little man and how I have to run him to his baseball game tonight. I don't mind it's what I do, it's who I am.....

And then the sound barrier in my head shatters. I try to hold tight and choke back tears. I knew it was coming......."And who will get your children if you both should pass in the near future?" All I could think of was NO ONE!......no one can rock my baby like I can, no one can kiss away the pain and the hurt. No one can make boo boos feel better like this Mama can.......Like their Mama can.

Johnny looks at me as tears well like ponds in my swollen eyes. That's why I'm here! I'm proud to be their Mama. I want to be their Mama.......God please let me be their Mama. I wanna walk with them and hold them. I wanna laugh with them and cherish them for as long as you will let me.

And these hard to grip moments are what life is, here on this side of heaven.........It's another step towards going home, another bridge crossed. These are the moments that prepare your heart and strengthen your soul.

And I pray to my Father in Heaven Because Him and I, that's how we relate......We have His Son in common. It's who we are, It's how we come together. It's how we will be together......All of us, My Man, our kids.......In Heaven there are no "what If's?" In Heaven we will always be together.......I will always be their Mama...................

"On My Own"

Extra proud that he thought of it on his own. That he saw what it could be lying there on the ground. This little man of mine thinks he's ready for a BB Gun. Daddy says "He'll just have to keep on making them till I say he's  ready."

There's a notch in just the right place to pull the trigger.........

He found some pvc and made his scope. Drilled some holes to make it look authentic and I smile and ask You really did this all on your own?  And the world stands still, freezes in the moment, while my mind races through the files of pictures and the memories of my baby boy. Where on earth is it? The file with the exact point and time, when he grew up before my eyes.....and all the while I'm trying to figure things out.....He is explaining all the little details of how he made his gun,  "with only a little bit of help Mama, I did most of it on my own."

Then I smile wide and cringe hard inside at the words that had escaped ......."On my own"

For some reason it's not so hard to imagine anymore ...........

I'm secure in knowing that although they will all be out on their own, they know they will never be alone.

 I'm always amazed at the speed of life and sometimes I feel I'm standing on the outside looking in. Watching my present escape me, minute by glorious minute.........I choose to take every one of those gorious minutes wrap them up in a pretty bow and keep them for another time when I need to smile, when I need to remember they grew up knowing they were never alone.